


If This Is Goodbye

by Manalyzer



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s06e26 Unimatrix Zero, F/M, Interlude
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 13:46:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19442653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manalyzer/pseuds/Manalyzer
Summary: “Kathryn,” he interrupted her. “This could be goodbye. I don’t want it to be, but it very well could be. If this is goodbye, there’s something I’ve always wanted to do.”Just a quick snippet of a scene that could have been in Unimatrix Zero. Takes place between the Borg Queen's appearance, and the handhold scene on the bridge. There was definitely something heavy going on in the handhold scene, and this is my interpretation of what it was.





	If This Is Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [janewayseyebrow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/janewayseyebrow/gifts).



> Thanks to Chakwayalltheway for the excellent quick beta. 
> 
> For janewayseyebrow, for always being there to knock around fic ideas with. Thank you for being a friend!

* * *

Kathryn Janeway rubbed her forehead trying to chase away the annoying pain behind her eyes as the door to her quarters swished shut behind her. Ever since the moment she’d seen the Borg Queen on the viewscreen bathed in green light, her stress level had hit top levels. Admittedly, she was feeling quite nervous and second guessing her original strategy, but she really didn’t have the time to try and figure out a different plan of action. What she’d already devised would have to do. It didn’t stop the nauseated feeling from creeping up the back of her throat and the thundering in her head. Soon she’d head back up to the bridge to await the notification that they were close enough to the Borg ship, and her plan could be put into action. Wanting a few minutes reprieve from everything, she’d stolen away to her quarters, hoping for just a moment of quiet rest in the midst of chaos. She really needed to calm her nerves. But this damn headache just wouldn’t let up. 

Sighing, she massaged the back of her neck with one hand as the fingers of her other hand pinched the bridge of her nose. A voice behind her startled her. 

“I could help with that, if you’d like,” the warm molasses voice said as she turned to face the intruder. “If you remember, I’m quite good at massages.” 

A small smile formed on her lips as she studied the face of her first officer hidden in the shadows of her darkened quarters. “I remember,” she sighed and dropped her hands. “I suppose you’ve come here to argue with me.” 

He took a step closer and the light from the stars behind her illuminated his face just enough that she could see the dark look in his eyes. 

“Permission to speak freely, Captain,” he asked, his voice lower in the silence that surrounded them. She knew this wasn’t Chakotay her first officer talking, but Chakotay her friend. 

“You know you’ve never needed that in my quarters,” she answered, admitting to herself that wasn’t exactly true. But she wanted to know his thoughts. Not her first officer’s thoughts, but her best friend’s thoughts. Her confidant’s thoughts. Her... she stopped herself from thinking further. 

“I don’t like this plan anymore, Kathryn. Not at all. It was different when they didn’t suspect anything. Now, though, I think it’s needlessly dangerous and there’s a high probability of failure.” His voice was low, restrained thunder roiling up from inside him.

She started to argue and he took a step closer, closing the distance between them until she could feel the heat rolling off his body and soaking into hers. She hadn’t realized how cold she was until then, and she couldn’t suppress the shiver that ran through her at his warmth. 

“I also know that there’s not a damn thing I can say or do that will change your mind. You are one of the strongest, most resilient, most damnably stubborn people I’ve ever met. I know that once you’ve made up your mind to do something, you will, come hell or high water. Honestly, you would have been an amazing asset to the Maquis.” 

He paused, drawing a deep breath. “You’re the first person to step in harm's way to save someone else. It's something I hate, but it's also the reason I,” he stopped and shook his head, ending that train of thought. She had a fairly good idea what he was going to say, though, and silently chided herself that even in these moments he felt like he couldn’t say the words they both knew the other felt, and it was all because of the self-imposed parameters she’d laid out years ago. 

She looked up into his eyes and saw his jaw clench as he swallowed back the words. 

She placed a hand on his chest, unable to find any words. She couldn’t deny his accusations, if you could call them that at all. They were really just observations of her personal responsibility. Of everyone on this ship, he knew her the best, the most completely. Somehow, over the years, he’d wormed his way into her heart so wholly that he knew the intricacies of her person inside and out. It was at once terrifying and exhilarating to know someone knew her so thoroughly. 

“Chakotay,” she began, unsure of what to say at this moment when their eyes were already saying so much. 

“Kathryn,” he interrupted her. “This could be goodbye. I don’t want it to be, but it very well could be. If this is goodbye, there’s something I’ve always wanted to do.” 

Before she could even comprehend exactly what he meant, his arms encircled her waist and pulled her flush against him. His mouth descended onto hers, his lips gently moving across her own in silent benediction. A prayer to whoever was listening to keep her safe and bring her home. 

Startled, she pushed against his chest, but then relaxed as she felt his gentle breath against the seam of her mouth. Her body, of its own accord, drew him closer, her hand tangling with the hair at the nape of his neck, her face tilting up to solidify the connection, the bridging of souls, together. 

Wanting to crawl further into his skin, she opened her mouth, only to find his closed against hers. Soft and gentle, he brushed his lips across hers in a caress so achingly forlorn that she felt his heartbreak and answered him with her own, realizing at once what this kiss was actually for: a simple hello and goodbye. A first and last kiss rolled into one. She sighed against him and wrapped both arms around his shoulders to hold him closer than ever before. Their shared breath mingled between them as they breathed in each other for the first and, in all probability, the last time.

All too soon, he pulled away from her, settling his forehead against hers. He drew in a deep breath and moved away. She looked up at him, his glassy eyes stared back at her with a deep sadness she hadn’t wanted to see. Swallowing past the lump in her throat, she willed her tears not to fall. She would not cry. She couldn’t. This mission deserved her at her best, she couldn’t allow herself to be compromised emotionally. But this man in front of her—if she allowed it, he would fully and completely compromise her. It's why she’d stayed an arm’s distance from him for so long. These barriers, they could not fall, lest she crumble with them. She knew enough about herself to know that if she allowed herself to freely love him, openly and completely, she’d be irrevocably changed. And she wanted, needed, to get this crew home more than she needed a lover. But, oh, in moments like these, she almost succumbed. 

With a deep breath, she started to take a step back from him. His grip on her waist held her to him, and he moved one hand up to her cheek, smoothing her hair back behind her ear. Hollow eyes flitted over her face, as if memorizing the lines and planes, and perhaps he was. Committing her expression to memory, to play out in his mind for years to come if indeed this mission truly failed. Which it couldn’t. She wouldn’t allow it. Her resolve was evermore steadfast now.

“I want you to know that I’ll support you in your decision. Always. I’ll sit there beside you, as your first officer and watch you walk out that door and I won’t say anything. But you need to know that I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to lose you,” he spoke in a hoarse whisper as his eyes finally met hers in a searing gaze. 

He leaned in once again and she instinctively closed her eyes, readying herself to push him back when his lips met hers again. Instead, she felt the gentle brush of them against her forehead and had to bite back a sob at the tenderness of the small embrace. The absolute care and devotion it signified. 

Pulling back, he let his hand move over her cheek once more, his thumb dipping to run softly across her lips. “Be safe, Kathryn.” 

As her eyes opened, she barely saw his form as the doors swished shut behind him, leaving her alone. Tears were threatening to fall, but she could not allow them to do so. She would come back. 

She had to. 

The End


End file.
